Vertical development is about elevating our cognitive and emotional sophistication. It’s the internal transformation that allows us to see ourselves, others, and the world in more complex, integrated, and empowering ways. While we often focus on cognitive development—how we think and make sense of the world—emotional development is just as crucial. In this article, I want to focus specifically on emotional sophistication, or what I’ll be calling emotional maturity.
Recently, I read Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory, and I found some of her reflections on emotional maturity refreshingly honest and surprisingly insightful. One idea she shares has stuck with me: most adults function with the emotional maturity of an 8-year-old. That’s not meant to be an insult—it’s an observation rooted in experience and psychology.
She goes further by offering candid examples from her own life. Times when she lost her composure with her children when they threw a fit. Moments when she felt deeply offended for being left out by friends. Getting defensive when receiving constructive criticism. Reacting insensitively to things she disagreed with. Shying away from vulnerability. And in general, being overly reactive.
If we’re being honest, most of us can relate. We’ve all had moments that, in hindsight, reveal how emotionally underdeveloped we can be—even when we seem to have it all together on the surface.
Unfortunately, whatever emotional immaturity we have holds us back from optimally navigating our situations and our relationships.
So why is emotional immaturity so common?
Horizontal vs. Vertical: Why Emotional Maturity Often Lags
The answer lies in the kind of development we prioritize.
Most people—especially high achievers—spend the majority of their lives in horizontal development. That’s the process of accumulating more knowledge, more skills, and more experiences. It’s about doing more and knowing more.
But emotional maturity isn’t something you can gain from a training session, a podcast, or a certification. It requires vertical development—a shift in the way we make meaning of our emotions, our triggers, and the people around us.
Emotional immaturity is often rooted in ego-protective, externally validating mindsets. We react defensively to protect our image. We avoid discomfort to protect our sense of safety. We blame others to protect our sense of control.
These are signs not of weakness, but of a developmental stage. And the good news is: we can grow beyond it.
What Is Emotional Maturity, Really?
Let’s define it clearly:
Emotional maturity is the ability to navigate internal emotional experiences with awareness, regulation, and responsibility—rather than reactivity, avoidance, or projection.
This doesn’t mean we don’t feel strong emotions. It means we don’t let those emotions drive us unconsciously.
People with emotional maturity tend to display a consistent pattern of behaviors and inner capacities, including:
- Self-awareness: They can name and notice their emotions without being consumed by them.
- Emotional regulation: They can stay grounded and responsive—even when they’re frustrated, hurt, or disappointed.
- Responsibility: They own their emotional responses instead of blaming others for how they feel.
- Empathy: They can hold space for others’ emotions, even when they don’t match their own.
- Vulnerability: They are willing to show up authentically, even when it feels risky.
In essence, emotional maturity reflects an elevated vertical capacity. It’s not just better behavior—it’s a more complex and integrated way of being.
How Do We Develop Emotional Maturity?
This kind of development isn’t quick, but it is possible—and deeply worthwhile. Here are some practices that can help facilitate emotional vertical development:
1. Mindset Work
Start by identifying the protective mindsets that may be shaping your emotional responses. Are you operating from a fixed mindset? A closed mindset? A prevention mindset? An inward mindset? Shifting these can rewire your emotional default settings.
Take my FREE Personal Mindset Assessment to awaken to the quality of your mindsets.
2. Emotional Inventory
Build the habit of naming your emotions, especially in moments of tension. Use language that goes beyond “angry” or “stressed.” Try: “I’m feeling dismissed,” or “I’m afraid of being judged.”
A great book to help you with this is Brené Brown’s, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience.
3. Pause and Reframe
When you notice reactivity rising, pause. Take a breath. Ask: “What else could be true here?” Or, tell yourself, “How fascinating!?!” This helps you shift from reaction to reflection.
4. Feedback as a Mirror
Treat criticism and feedback as a tool for self-discovery. What is it revealing about your triggers, blind spots, or emotional assumptions?
5. Vulnerability Reps
Make it a practice to lean into emotional discomfort. Share something real in a safe relationship. Apologize when you’ve been reactive. Ask for what you need without defensiveness.
6. Meditation for Regulation
A regular meditation practice helps you build the capacity to observe your emotions without reacting to them. By training your attention and creating space between stimulus and response, meditation strengthens self-awareness and emotional regulation—making it easier to stay grounded, even when emotions run high.
Each of these practices not only helps you become more emotionally mature—they also help you vertically evolve. They stretch your meaning-making system to hold more complexity with more grace.
Reflection + An Invitation
Here are a few reflection questions to bring this home:
- Where in your life have you been emotionally reactive lately? What might that reveal?
- What situations consistently trigger emotional immaturity in you?
- What mindset, fear, or insecurity might be operating beneath your emotional responses?
- Who models emotional maturity well—and what can you learn from them?
Emotional maturity isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence. And it’s one of the most powerful levers for personal, relational, and leadership growth.
If you’re ready to do the vertical work of becoming a more emotionally mature leader—whether in life or work—I’d love to support you. Feel free to reach out to explore coaching or schedule a workshop with your team.
Let’s grow up—not just older.
