How to Get More of What You Really Need

Most of us have something we are trying to get. Which of the following most resonates with you:

• Do you feel the need to prove yourself worthy?
• Do you feel the need to be liked?
• Do you feel the need to be in control?
• Do you feel the need to stay or feel safe?
• Do you feel the need to be efficient?
• Do you feel the need to be seen as competent?

Related to these needs, my research and consulting work has revealed three profound takeaways:

1. Almost everyone feels they must fulfill at least one of these needs
2. Most people aren’t doing a great job of fulfilling the need that most resonates with them
3. When we learn and engage in a more optimal strategy for fulfilling our need, we transformationally elevate our life, leadership, and impact

In this article, I want to share with you how you can better meet the need that most resonates with you in hopes of unlocking a more elevated you.

Let’s Start Here (Our Typical Approach/Strategy)…

When someone feels that their worthiness, likeability, control, safety, efficiency, or competence is at state, our typical approach to ensuring they fulfill their need is to focus on it directly:

• If I want to be seen as worthy, then I need to accomplish results
• If I want to be liked, then I need to please others
• If I want to be in control, then I need to exert control
• If I want to be safe, then I need to avoid risks
• If I want to be efficient, then I need to maximize my time
• If I want to be seen as competent, then I need to demonstrate my competence

While this makes sense on the surface, it actually isn’t the most ideal strategy.

This may sound counterintuitive, but it is true. The reason why is because these direct, “I need,” approaches are ultimately self-focused.

So, while they feel right, they are inherently limited. I have come to learn that we can never truly fulfill our needs of worthiness, likeability, control, safety, efficiency, or competence through self-focused strategies.

So what is the alternative?

There is a Better Way

We need to shift from a self-focused direct strategy to an other-focused value-creating indirect strategy.

A self-focused direct strategy asks:

• “How do I get what I need?”

An other-focused value-creating indirect strategy asks:

• “How can I give in a way that I get what I need?”

That shift changes everything.

Fulfilling the Six Needs

Worth:

• If I need to prove my worth, the best strategy is not to try harder to look worthy.
• The better strategy is to create value for others.

When we create real value, we naturally become more worthy of trust, respect, and influence.

Being Liked:

• If I need to be liked, the best strategy is not to please people.
• The better strategy is to help other people grow.

When we are genuinely invested in others’ growth, they often come to appreciate and like us at a much deeper level.

Control:

• If I need to stay in control, the best strategy is not to hold on tighter.
• The better strategy is to develop others who can create outcomes.

When others become more capable, the system becomes stronger, more reliable, and we actually feel more in control.

Safety:

• If I need to play it safe, the best strategy is not to avoid risk.
• The better strategy is to pursue and fulfill a value-creating purpose with wisdom and courage.

That is what helps us develop the capacities for being adaptive and more resilient so that we feel safe regardless of our circumstances.

Efficiency:

• If I need to be efficient, the best strategy is not to move faster.
• The better strategy is to create the highest-value impact.

That is what helps us focus on what matters most. And, when we do that, we actually become both more efficient and more effective.

Being Seen as Competent:

• If I need to be seen as competent, the best strategy is not to defend my expertise.
• The better strategy is to learn, improve, and let the best ideas emerge.

That is what makes us more trusted, more capable, and ultimately more competent.

In all:

We have revealed one of the great ironies of personal and leadership development:

We are often more likely to get what we need when we stop organizing ourselves around getting, and start organizing ourselves around giving.

The more we chase worth, approval, control, safety, efficiency, or competence, the more self-protective we become.

But the more we commit to creating value, the more we tend to receive those things as byproducts.

Challenge:

Having gone through this, I challenge you to identify a better “giving” strategy you can engage in.

Try it out as an experiment, and see what happens.

If you would like help in this effort or if you would like me to help your leaders make these shifts, let’s connect.